Therapist's will tell you it is a good habit to keep a blog. It allows you to speak about things in a non-public, yet public way. You can release what you've been holding inside and what keeps you all wound up and on the verge of exploding. Really? Who knows, I just know I found the link for this blog that I forgot about a few years ago and I was thinking about all the stuff I've gone through since the last time I posted, which was probably the first time I posted as well.
Anyway, since my first and then my last post (previously), I have been through a great deal in my life. Most of it, internalized to the point of total meltdown, but recently dealt with and I hope put behind me.
In February of 2008, I had heart bypass surgery which I did not think too much about except for the earth shattering realizationn that I was no longer indestructable. While that is a small realization for most people, it's a lot bigger deal than I expected. The doctors are really good at telling you about all the physical stuff you need to be aware of, but not good at all telling you about the psychological stuff, and brother let me tell you all about it.
Lack of meaningful employment, lack of self esteem, lack of love, lack of physical health and lack of hope are all pretty easy to deal with....one by one. But when you get them all at the same time and just after you turn 50 and just after you've had bypass surgery, it become a totally debilitating and paralyzing scenario. You don't want to do anything to help yourself cause you figure whatever you do is going to be screwed up anyway, after all you're over the hill, out of shape, unemployed and unloved (at least, that's what your thinking). You might as well just wait to die because at least you were smart enough to get that life insurance policy which will greatly help your family when you finally "succeed" at offing yourself. Now that's one hell of an accomplishment isn't it....succeeding at offing yourself!!
I had just about reached total rock bottom when the people I needed to be able to lean on, got really tired of being leaned on and had pretty much abandoned me to my self-pity and self loathing. Not to be unexpected, even a loving wife can have her fill of a total loser who doesn't want to do anything to help himself. In reality, what I needed was the opportunity to vent or release all my anger, my hurt, my disappointment and the one person I needed to provide that proverbial "shoulder to cry on", was never that kind of partner anyway. You see, I married an engineer. For many of you that tells you all you need to know. For those of you who don't know what that means, here's a clue. Engineers are very analytical and pragmatic people. They see a problem (whether that be a work problem or a spouse's problem) and they come up with solutions to resolve it. If you're not solving the problem, you're wasting time and energy. Emotional reasons for not doing something are like having no reasons at all. You're just a useless clump of organic material consuming valuable resources in your endless whining and crying over stuff that makes no sense to them and wastes more resources. In other words, do something or shut up!!!
Don't get me wrong, I love my wife with all my heart. Lisa is my rock and my foundation when there's a problem to be solved, but for whatever reason (and believe me I've given her plenty) she was checked out this time and would not or could not, provide me with ANY emotional support. Well duh! You married an engineer, what were your thinking that you would get somebody all warm and fuzzy and emotionally atuned to your needs. Sure, that's what all engineers are like....right???? Wrong! Lisa and I have been through a lot together and Lisa has always, and I mean ALWAYS been there for me. She just hasn't been there in the particular ways I might have needed at that time but shouldn't never have expected to get.
Please don't think I'm blaming Lisa for anything, I'm not. I'm pointing out my own stupidity in expecting things to be a certain way when there is no rational reason for anyone to expect the things I expected of her. She is emotionally distant......engineer. She is pragmatic....engineer. If you're not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem....engineer. She is never wrong...engineer (this is actually a lot truer that you could possibly believe). She never apologizes.....engineer and she is certainly NOT warm and fuzzing (even though that may be what you really need). She has zero empathy (at least when it comes to emotional weaknesses)....engineer.
So, here is sit at 55 years of age and 24 years into marriage wondering how I got were I am today. In January of 2010 I was as low as you could go. I wasn't suicidal.....yet. But I could see it from there. Lisa had pretty much checked out of our relationship (I probably would have run away a long time ago at this point) and I was doing little if anything to get better.
The one person I was able to lean on was the one person who I had written off a long time ago as being the single most self-centered person I have ever known in my life...my father. I had called him (probably to whine about something) and in the course of that conversation I really broke down and cried about all the feelings I was experiencing and how worthless I felt. Dad didn't roll his eyes (well maybe he did and I just couldn't see it...it was a phone call after all) or tell me to get up off my ass and do something or shut up about it. He listened first, he acknowledged that my pain was real and he got involved in helping me to start taking some small steps to get better. He helped me to pay for my counseling and my therapy, he pushed me to going to Mayo Clinic to get a complete physical to see where I was physically and he continued to listen. He was able to give me a job where I regained a sense of accomplishment (not that I did him much good by working for him).
At Mayo Clinic my doctor told me it was very, VERY common for men to experience deep depression after having bypass surgery. WHAT!"!"??
Why hadn't my heart surgeon or my general practitioner told me about that? It would have been nice to know before you start experiencing it...don't you think so? Maybe, just maybe, knowing that what you were feeling was normal would have helped me deal with it better or helped me prepare for it better. It's just a thought, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
Anyway, I'm a much happier person today than I was before. I'm no longer depressed because I have chosen not to be. I'm working regularly at a job that requires very little of me mentally and that's okay....for now. I tell my friends who inquire about why I'm working this financially unsatisfying and mentally unchallenging job that I'm taking a sabbatical from banking...and I am!
I've got a great big HUGE lists of character flaws that I'd like to fix. I'm not perfect and I never will be. I now know I have friends and family who love me, but sometimes just don't know how to deal with me and all my emotions. Most importantly, I know that God loves me, for who I am and where I am. He loves you too and He will never, EVER let you down....just like my wife. If I turn away from Him, he cannot help me, but if I turn to Him, He is always there for me.
Thank you Lisa for being there for me...in your Engineering sort of way. It's not as warm and fuzzing as I might need some times but it has always been with love and dedication that I sometimes can't see because of all the EMO stuff I'm dealing with. You have been my rock, even when I have not appreciated it, even when a lesser person would have walked away from me. Hell, they would have run away from me as fast as they could. Thank you for keeping our family functioning when I have abdicated that responsiblity to you. Shame on me for doing it but thank God you were strong enough and pragmatic enough to do what needed to be done when I was too emotionally weak to do it.
Thank you Dad, for being there for me...in your loving and your "emotionally supportive first" sort of way. You got me to start taking those baby steps toward recovery that turned this floundering ship around and started charting a new course. Not necessarily where either you or I would like to go, but at least in a more positive direction and calmer waters. I have criticized you mercilessly to others over the years for being so self-centered (I'm sorry, but it's true) but in my greatest time of need, you did not turn away jand you gave of yourself and your time to let me know I was not the most worthless piece of @#$@% on the sea bed.
Thank you Elbe for being my faith partner, you sponsored me at Quest where I learned more about God than most people ever will and you were my bible study buddy who listened to all my problems without ever showing any disgust at my often disgusting attitudes toward life and my "woe is me" sort of attitude. One thing you could improve on is sometimes.....just once in a while....recognize that it is okay to say "Hey, get up off your butt and do something....anything...to help yourself.
Thank you God! I'm still here because of You and still kicking because of Your love and my understanding of how I'm supposed to spread your love while I'm on this rock. Nobody ever said it would be easy, but You have always said that You would be there.
TTFN....ta, ta for now, for those of you who are not familiar with the "Winnie the Pooh" reference. Maybe those therapist were right after all...I do feel better for all I've written and I'm in a good place right now....emotionally.
To anybody who took the time to read all this...God Bless You and congratulations, you have proven you have what it takes to be an emotional "Rock of Gibralter" to someone in need...Now go out there and find them!!
All My Love and In His Name,
Chris
